I need a change.
From everything* in my life.

I’m so sick of coming “home” to that damn house on Atkins.
To the arguments, and smart comments, and the locked doors.
I’m sick of the distance between me and my brother.
I’m sick of the tensions between me and my sister.
I’m sick of waking up feeling sad.
I’m sick of paying a cab daily to get to work.
I’m sick of work…

Scratch that.

I’m sick of this job.
I love this job, but I hate it.
All I want… ALL I NEED is one real shot.
One real opportunity.
I just need the chance and I know I will do better than hit
the ground running.
I will own that damn ground.

But almost no one is willing…

Grant me that one shot Jah, and bless me on that day.

Til then…

I’m stuck.

Stuck with that damn house on Atkins…
Stuck with the arguments, smart comments and locked doors…
Stuck with the distance between me and my brother…
Stuck with the tensions between me and my sister…
Stuck with waking up feeling sad…
Stuck with paying a cab daily to get to work…
Stuck with this job…

Damn.

* – Everything excludes my man of course… can’t do without him AT ALL.

I feel as if that’s the price on me and my mom’s relationship now. I have to rent her love, her approval, and of course – living space in her house. For $700/mth, I get to deal with the same bullshit as before, in the same room I used to sleep in for free. Plus I gotta pay the electric bill. And cable. And telephone. And internet. Mind you. I don’t mind paying for certain amenities, but due to the fact that there really is no privacy (anyone can walk up the stairs and push the door, and use the bathroom – which they do!) I feel like I’m getting jipped. Gotta look for a fresh crib.

In my 21 years I have managed to emotionally detach myself from most of the few women that I was programmed to love. So in my 21 years I’ve had 2 best friends who are female (who are still my best friends), 2 very good friends who are females and an exponentially increasing number of females who i deemed pointless past even bothering know their names because they were all the same personality with different faces. But the men; the men have always been different. The ones I allow to prod me emotionally had such distinct characteristics about themselves; it was always a new experience. Experiences that I hold severely close to my heart. And when one of the stars of my fondest memories is taken………… no words.

Which brings me to a revelation that I’ve had about myself. The death of a man hurts me more than the death of a woman. I don’t give a shit about too many women to start with; plus its like losing something you forgot you had… they’re so many of us!! LMAO, that’s a lil extreme but most who know me, know that I don’t care much about females; period. But lately, alot of the male figures in my lifescope have died. Not all holding the same level of importance or significance in my life, but still, some whom I allowed room in my heart. Then one of my favorite aunts died, and I couldn’t cry. Then more of the men in my life died. The my boyfriend’s closest cousin died. And I couldn’t stop crying. I’ve never met him, but I had a dream about him……

Something may be wrong with me emotionally. Some may think its unhealthy or whatever. I wouldn’t deny it. Not only because I don’t give flying fuck, but it works for me.

I have some serious beef right now, with liars. Lie: To present false information with the intention of deceiving. See the world is overrun with them. I know. I used to be one. My change of path came when I spread myself too thin and simply couldn’t remember who I said what to. I got assed out and only after exhausting myself came to the realization that it’s easier to tell the truth. Yeah, it’s some cliché bullshit, but its advice worth taking.
Now I can see the light. And here is my conclusion: liars are cowardly assholes. People too ashamed of themselves to share who they really are with others. I heard before that people who lie have no balls. I beg to differ. It takes a set of enormous balls to look people – strangers or otherwise – dead in the eye and just lie to their face. I think they have no heart.
You have to be a heartless. Taking it a step further – you have to be a cold, heartless, frigid, awful bitch to be able to lie to the ones with whom you share a mutual love.

And that’s the shit I don’t understand.

It’s things like this that make me even question love.

In my world, love is unconditional. That may be the biggest flaw in my little world, but it’s a welcomed flaw. If I finally come out and tell a person I love him/her, then I’m basically saying “I love you, regardless…”

Regardless encompasses
- your appearance
- your wierd habits
- your now and later attitude
- your extremely eccentric family
- your past
… and anything else that follows suit. What it doesn’t entail is your dsregard for honesty , especially with me. I have no tolerance for it. None. Why should I? If you lie about everything, you could be lying when you say you love me and that is what I’m afraid of, so I won’t put myself in the situation to have to find out the hard way. At least I will try not to.

Why lie? Does it make you feel better about yourself? Are you in awe that people so willingly accept your words because they mean something? Does it make you feel creative? Do you even care that you could be breaking someone’s heart?

I don’t know the answer to any of these questions. I don’t bother with the lying thing anymore, I prefer to be straight up. Cause what liars fail to understand is that being lied to hurts like hell. What kills me is that they seem to think they are the only ones with the capacity to tell a lie. I hope they all get caught out there. Not caught in a lie. But end up on the receiving end of some heavy ones.

How does your medicine taste, LIAR.

It’s been a minute since I made an entry here so I figured… what the hell. So anyhow, lately I’ve been up to the same old stuff: school, work and volleyball… but nowhere near that order. It’s more like volleyball, work, volleyball, volleyball, volleyball *yawn* school. Yesterday was the first time that I went to class in like a month. I’m seriously slacking off, but going to class was a step in the right direction. I’m gonna keep going and try not to miss anymore classes this semester: got a reputation and a GPA to maintain. FURTHERMORE, I may be grown, but my mom ain’t scared to put her foot in my ass wit the quickness!

With volleyball, the team was just in a slump but we won tonight, so we’re out of that slump and hopefully we won’t get back into one. We’re 9-16 overall, 4-4 CUNYAC. CUNYAC is the school’s main conference, so that’s all we’re really worried about: our conference record. My personal goal is to make it past first round knockouts for the playoffs, cause that would be the first time. Hopefully everyone on the team wants it as bad as me.
Anyhow, even though we weren’t performing well as a team, I still managed to earn some individual accolades. I made two All Tournament teams (New Jersey City University 11th Annual Gothic Knights Invitational and SUNY/CUNY Challenge) and I got Hudson Valley Women’s Athletic Conference (HVWAC) Women’s Volleyball Co-Player of the Week. Ironically, I’m sharing the award with a teammate =) Oh yeah, I moved up in national ranks. I’m now #2 in Division 3 (in the nation!) in service aces per game.

With school, even though I had missed my Operating Systems class for the entire semester, I am still on top of my game. The professor assigned a program for the class to write and I was the only one to get mine to work. Furthermore, I had to help everyone get theirs to work (the professor left me with the class to get them done LOL!). I gotta see what’s gonna go down with my Scientific Programming class and my Calculus III class. I heard that the CalcIII midterm is next Wednesday… if that’s the case… I’M SO F^@#ED!!

Work… well work is work. I make a living. Nothing exciting ever happens with my work. I just always feel a profound sense of accomplishment everytime I publish something. In a while I will be purchasing my own domain and selling my layouts and such, but for now I am still just designing as the jobs come.

Other than that, I think my life is pretty blazee.

Peace & Blessings.